You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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