exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
