she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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