I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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