he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In other news, I just burned my penis
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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