The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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