Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
