maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
