Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
