I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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