i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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