She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
