Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
