i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
