found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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