I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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