Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
