I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
