Umm I'm too high to move.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
