Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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