he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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