the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
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