I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
