Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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