He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
