I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
