I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
