I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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