I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
