your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
