i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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