Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
