I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
