9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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