just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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