he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
