The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i was born a porn star she said
its not stalking. its research.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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