saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
