i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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