Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
