My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
