I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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