just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
