I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
