dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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