i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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