hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
