I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
