Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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