Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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