never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
