I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
