your parents love me but you hate me
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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